Last night I was lying in bed thinking about how I would handle little man throwing up while also caring for peanut – it kept me up until I convinced myself that this isn’t something I need to worry about right now and that millions of parents have somehow survived sick kids and lived to not even remember it! Seriously? What’s wrong with my brain?
I don’t know if this is a more recent thing, or if I’ve never given it much thought that not everyone thinks like this. I felt bad, but reflecting on how I handled little man getting sick right before I had peanut, I certainly felt bad for him and tried to comfort him, but I also was running every scenario through my head about how this was going to affect peanut’s impending delivery the next day, how I would get enough sleep on my last night before being a mom of 2, how being awake (and in the ER until 4) was going to make me even more hungry since I had to start fasting at midnight, who else was going to get sick, how was all of this going to change what I thought was going to happen on the birth of my 2nd baby. I wasn’t living in the moment and being there for my son…physically yes, but mentally I was a million places. Anyone raising their hand to having been there? And enter the guilt for being more concerned with me then him.
I guess anxiety is the correct word for it, maybe not. Never considered it before now. I constantly think about how others perceive my actions, put words in their heads about what they say about me when I’m not around, think about what they wish I would do/not do etc. Realistically, I am probably my own worst enemy – living in my negative thoughts when in actuality these people probably have none of these issues with me. But they must…because I can see my faults, magnify them, and use them as ammunition to thwart even my best efforts.
In the quiet moments my thoughts wander to the next issue, problem, or event that I just may not be able to handle. How can I put two kids to bed when one is screaming? How can I shower when both kids are awake and one is screaming? How am I going to teach new units/curriculum in every subject I teach? How am I going to lose weight when I haven’t had the success I want since I was single and could live at the gym and only cook for myself. How am I going to not lose myself while being the best mom I can? Will we ever have time to make our marriage be about more than our kids and day to day survival? Am I ever going to be good enough for others, let alone myself? Just typing all that is getting me worked up and it’s 9:43pm and how am I ever going to quiet my mind enough to fall asleep before peanut wakes up to eat since she might not sleep through the night again and if she does, will she take a nap early enough for my to shower and get ready to visit school and will that visit make little man tired enough to take a good nap or ruin nap time, but I hope him waking up stuffy tonight doesn’t mean he’s going to be too grumpy or sick to go to school tomorrow and then I’ll be stuck home all day with them….just a moment inside the craziness that is my mind.
I keep it to myself. I rarely voice these thoughts and poor j when I do because its like a verbal diarrhea rabbit trail of mishmash that makes no logical sense except to me. I hesitate to even publish this post for fear of people reading things and seeing me differently, but then I remind myself of my purpose – I’m sure others think the same way and I would have loved to read a post of someone else’s like this to say ah…I am normal. So I’ll post and hope that my mind can clear itself long enough to fall asleep. Everything else I can worry about will be there later and somehow magically take care of itself!